I am often described as a very level-headed person, one not often imagined erring on the side of anger. But all have their anathemas. And you’ll be pleased to know I’ve taken the time to write a by no means definitive list but five, choice dislikes that I could so happily live without.
Several are arguably irrational, and I appreciate that, but through my venting, I hope that you can glimpse the possibility that I’m not totally insane.
*WARNING: I’M GOING TO GET PASSIONATE. PLEASE GRANT ME THIS COURTESY. THIS IS A RARE VENTING SESH THAT WILL HOPEFULLY PROVE CATHARTIC.
1. THE WORD ‘CUTE’
Almost every time this word is uttered, I wince. It’s because in the majority of cases, a much more appropriate word should be used. I often find it to be rarely more than reductive and patronising choice of adjective (extreme I know).
Examples of misuse (I’ve had to rein it in and restrict myself to three):
I don’t know if you caught the remarkable footage of the Brownlee brothers in the World Series triathlon earlier today? Much to my chagrin, I spotted someone’s comment that it was ‘sooooo cute.’ NO. This was by NO MEANS cute. It was an incredible show of brotherly love, care and sacrifice. Don’t make it anything less than that.
People who are older, who have lived longer on this earth are NOT cute. I think in most instances you mean they’re kind, generous or wise and that how they live their lives and relate to others is inspiring, reassuring and heart-warming to see.
And finally…I. AM. NOT. CUTE. I may be whimsical, quirky, sometimes even downright adorable, but please. never. call. me. cute. Unless perhaps you’re at least 20 years my senior and you have a healthy desire to look after me.
Where cute IS appropriate:
If it’s at an evolutionary advantage to be cute such as toddlers, lion cubs or baby penguins then feel free to go to town calling them any derivative of the word cute you fancy because they simply are, by definition.
Anything without a soul is also fine, i.e. a cottage, a food item or a particularly ravishing pair of shoes.
Also, this bunny:
2. PHONES IN THE CINEMA
SO distracting, and blinding. Will your arm fall off if you don’t check it for two hours? And don’t get me started on people who ACTUALLY talk on the phone whilst the film is going on. (I do however appreciate someone who falls asleep watching a film and is snores rather loudly. Can’t help but respect them a little).
(AS OF EARLIER THIS YEAR, MOBILE PHONES ARE APPARENTLY NOW ACCEPTED IN INDIAN CINEMAS. HMM. PLEASE DO NOT LET IT SPREAD.)
3. OPERA
I have given the generously-termed ‘art form’ grace enough to watch it a grand total of THREE times; twice live in a theatre and more recently at a cinema screening as I needed to know for sure whether I could possibly be to blame.
It has been difficult to pinpoint exactly what secures my aversion to this particular medium of artistic expression, however all I know is that without exception, a dark cloud forms the moment the orchestra strikes up, ready to transform me into my woeful alter ago, (a sedated yet toxic blend of Hyde and Hulk).
I mean, c’mon…they sing ev.er.y.thing. And it cannot just be me that thinks, on the whole, it sounds distinctly unpleasant, like screeching tyres or a knife scraping on a glass bottle.
During the most recent attempt, the familiar wave of despair came over me and I was left with no choice but to remove myself from the auditorium before the third and final act (*Spoiler alert: they all die), where I sat in a cafe and proceeded to nibble silently on a Nutella cookie until the fat lady sang.
This was the point at which I vowed never to watch opera again. Enough’s enough.
P.s. Before you ask, of course I am partial to Phantom of the Opera. It’s a MUSICAL. A world of difference.
4. IKEA
I am confident I’m not alone with this one. At least I know if anyone comes to IKEA with me they’ll never see it the same way again. Even looking at the logo makes slightly nauseous.
A brief summary of all that’s wrong with this Scandinavian home-furnishings chain:
You have to walk through all of it (attempting a shortcut could lead to getting lost and I canNOT entertain that option).
If you want one item you’re still there for a minimum of 45 minutes.
No one helps you at any point.
Why wouldn’t you just order it online? Can you even order it online?
CLOSE THEM ALL DOWN. – Emily Withers, 2016
Sorry if anyone ever ends up buying furniture with me and holds a bizarre affinity to IKEA…we’re taking a different route through life.
5. HAWKING
“To clear or attempt to clear the throat by or as if by coughing up phlegm.” Need I say more…
That’s all from me on a rainy Monday afternoon in September. Annual vent ✓